Help! Our dog is an asshole…

We have two doggies. El Comandante is an asshole and Buddy is a good boy. We love them both equally. It’s interesting how you often can’t forgive humans for being an asshole but with animals you just laugh about it and love them for who they are, no matter how cunning or vicious. So here are some very curious tricks and character traits of El Comandante. They prove that animals can be dicks indeed.


Our little boy does not like children. He’s afraid of them and doesn’t trust them one bit. They’re small, unpredictable, fast and wear funny colourful clothes but otherwise they look like human beings and something about that is not right. If children are over three years old, they’re a threat and he’ll genuinely stay out of their way. He won’t bite them, just give them a warning growl when they come too close. Toddlers however, are an easy target. As they’re not yet steady on their feet, he knows they won’t be able to catch him and will run up to them and tip them over at any opportunity. He’ll also growl at children on T.V.


El Comandante has been a racist for as long as we’ve had him. He’ll get used to friends of colour if they come over often but as soon as a new one comes into the house, he’ll show his teeth and will try to organize the neighbourhood against the incursion.


Feeding the dogs is very expensive in our house. El Comandante will not eat the same food two days in a row. He likes a variety of Beef Mince, Pork Belly, Tripe and Roast / Boiled Chicken with carrots and rice. He’ll refuse any treats as he knows they’re dog food and how dare we treat him as a dog? If we don’t take a bite first to demonstrate it’s human food, he won’t touch it. You’d be surprised at the variety of dog treats I can recognise by taste. Travelling is expensive too. When we travel by train we have to buy an extra seat for him because he refuses to sit on the floor or on our lap. He finds it humiliating to be treated as a dog and he’ll make the journey unbearable for everyone in the cabin unless he gets his own seat.


If we wake up to find pee on the floor or dirty underwear pulled out of the linen basket, he’ll always look at us as if he’s got no idea what we’re talking about. Then he’ll look over at his brother, blaming him. He also has a way of distracting his brother away from food or toys by barking a false alarm by the front door. As soon as Buddy joins him to protect the house from the intruder, he’ll run back and steal his stuff.


El Comandante is a taker, not a giver. Each morning, his brother Buddy will clean his teeth, eyes and willy until he’s nice and shiny. He’ll stand over him and command him to lick him clean, yet he never returns the favour. We have no idea how this ritual has been established but he’s definitely the only one who gets something out of the deal. In the park, we are known as the loud idiots, running after him and screaming his name. He will go wherever he wants to go and there is no option for compromise. Everyone else has to follow.

False sentiment

He has a way of making people believe he’s genuinely upset when it suits him. He’s very intelligent and knows how to play on your heartstrings when you drop either of the words ‘vet’, ‘dogsitter’, ‘bath’ or ‘later’ (meaning you’re not going to do exactly what he wants right now) by lifting his paw up in a show of excruciating pain as if you’ve just stepped on it with a stiletto heel. Then he’ll slowly turn his gaze away with a deep sigh to express his disappointment in you.


To our horror, El Comandante’s nickname among other dog owners in the park is ‘the little rapist’. He’ll go for any dog, male or female. He also likes to hump men with a strong odour, meaning builders or homeless people are likely to be a victim. If we have guests staying over, he’ll sneak into the spare bedroom and patiently wait until they’re fast sleep so he can hump their leg.

You’d never believe that so much assholeness can fit into such a tiny body. It’s unfortunate that people are constantly disappointed with his misbehaviour. They assume his character would match his angelic looks and many have paid for this misconception. Despite his dick moves, he’s our little crumpet and no one makes me laugh as much as he does. I can’t wait for him to pee against the Christmas tree and hump Santa in the local shopping mall.




3 thoughts on “Help! Our dog is an asshole…”

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